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swissmargTitle: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
swissmarg
Rating: G
Word count: 274
Notes: This was written for (and won) Challenge 6 of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
harrypotter_las , with the prompt 'A Single Tear'. I took a chance with the poetry, and it did bite back a bit, as this entry garnered my only two negative votes so far. However, I can live with them... one of them, anyway. The other one... well, see the feedback at the end and my comments there. Honestly, though, I am extremely pleased with this and consider it one of my best pieces.
Disclaimer: This piece of fiction is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Okay, and now the feedback that was given onharrypotter_las (anonymously, as all feedback in these challenges is):
Best Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: The sheer challenge of writing an Ode to Severus Snape in Verse is a point in your favor to start with. The mood of the piece is appropriate to Severus, although he would hate to think anyone wrote anything maudlin on his behalf. One quibble: I believe people would have mourned him. Harry, at the very least, would have mourned that he never saw past the exterior (and he did, even to the extent that he named his younger son after Snape.
Best Written Story Title: The UnMourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: Wonderful! This made a huge lump rise in my throat, and was especially devastating at the end. I'm in awe of an author who can tell a story through an epic poem, and this is a classic. The use of language ("no veil was rent") and the weaving of backstory and forward-story into the perfectly paced stanzas shows talent as much as skill. (The one thing I might have adjusted was the title; why not use "Sev'rus Snape"?) Overall, great job!
Best Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: I was wary of this one at first, worrying that poetic license would be taken with the characters as well as the prompt. But a careful reading showed not only good turn of phrase and scan in the rhymes, but also a solid characterization of Snape and his life. Great use of the prompt, and beautiful poem.
Best Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: I can see that this is how it happened in the book. All fame and feelings for gratefulness goes to Harry, Ron & Hermione, and Professor Snape will be soon forgotten.. The wizarding world of the cannon is not very forgiving, especially not towards Slytherins. Especially not to such unattractive (physical and psychical) characters as Severus Snape. For him being dead might really be the best thing, and that's something very appalling to say.
It's also a well written poem and makes me want to go and tend to his grave.
Least Well Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Least Well Written Story Reason: I think this story was the least well written because the poetic form was distancing. As a character study the piece works nicely, but it lacked the all the elements of a story.
Least Well Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Least Well Written Story Reason: Some canon facts are off and as it's not established that it is an au, hard for me to excuse it. interesting format even if I personally don't like it.
I don't usually respond to these anonymous feedbacks because, well, first they've always been positive, so all there really is to say is 'Thank you', but secondly because they're anonymous so I don't think it's entirely fair to the critiquer for me to pick them apart here. But anyway, the first criticism is the one I can live with, that they didn't feel that this was really a 'story' and found it difficult to relate to the meter, stanzas, whatever. That was the risk I took in going in this direction this time.
But the other negative critique? That some canon facts are off? Whut? Like... that Snape died? All the rest is neither canon nor AU, but an educated guess or surmise as to how things would have played out after the end of DH. So, this isn't established as an AU because it isn't. I don't know what other canon they are talking about.
Author:
swissmarg Rating: G
Word count: 274
Notes: This was written for (and won) Challenge 6 of
harrypotter_las , with the prompt 'A Single Tear'. I took a chance with the poetry, and it did bite back a bit, as this entry garnered my only two negative votes so far. However, I can live with them... one of them, anyway. The other one... well, see the feedback at the end and my comments there. Honestly, though, I am extremely pleased with this and consider it one of my best pieces. Disclaimer: This piece of fiction is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
No veil was rent, nor earth did quake;
The Trio took their leave.
Deserted lay he on the floor --
No one was there to grieve.
His body later wrapped in shrouds
And buried without fuss,
No fun'ral service full of pomp,
No notice given thus.
The Weasleys wailed, the Tonkses mourned,
But only for their kin.
Upon his grave naught but bare earth
Where flowers might have been.
The years went by, more people passed:
McGonagall and Sprout.
Those without kin borne last respects
By mates and friends devout.
One grave alone neglected stood
With tall weeds overgrown,
Each passing season more forlorn,
Ignored, outcast, alone.
They say that heaven's without tears;
A place of good and light.
A spot where love surrounds your soul,
Where none need fear the night.
If so, our hero's heav'n began
In early childhood days,
When tears were banished, swallowed down
Beneath his father's gaze.
No tears from him when love was lost,
No tears when pain surround',
No tears when he was made to hurt,
To maim, to kill -- no sound.
And so on heaven's wings was borne
He of the unmourned life
Into a tearless sphere beyond,
Far distant pain or strife.
Grieve not that Sev'rus Snape is gone
into that other sphere:
He lives in death as did in life
Without a single tear.
No veil was rent, nor earth did quake;
The Trio took their leave.
Deserted lay he on the floor --
No one was there to grieve.
His body later wrapped in shrouds
And buried without fuss,
No fun'ral service full of pomp,
No notice given thus.
The Weasleys wailed, the Tonkses mourned,
But only for their kin.
Upon his grave naught but bare earth
Where flowers might have been.
The years went by, more people passed:
McGonagall and Sprout.
Those without kin borne last respects
By mates and friends devout.
One grave alone neglected stood
With tall weeds overgrown,
Each passing season more forlorn,
Ignored, outcast, alone.
They say that heaven's without tears;
A place of good and light.
A spot where love surrounds your soul,
Where none need fear the night.
If so, our hero's heav'n began
In early childhood days,
When tears were banished, swallowed down
Beneath his father's gaze.
No tears from him when love was lost,
No tears when pain surround',
No tears when he was made to hurt,
To maim, to kill -- no sound.
And so on heaven's wings was borne
He of the unmourned life
Into a tearless sphere beyond,
Far distant pain or strife.
Grieve not that Sev'rus Snape is gone
into that other sphere:
He lives in death as did in life
Without a single tear.
Okay, and now the feedback that was given on
harrypotter_las (anonymously, as all feedback in these challenges is):Best Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: The sheer challenge of writing an Ode to Severus Snape in Verse is a point in your favor to start with. The mood of the piece is appropriate to Severus, although he would hate to think anyone wrote anything maudlin on his behalf. One quibble: I believe people would have mourned him. Harry, at the very least, would have mourned that he never saw past the exterior (and he did, even to the extent that he named his younger son after Snape.
Best Written Story Title: The UnMourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: Wonderful! This made a huge lump rise in my throat, and was especially devastating at the end. I'm in awe of an author who can tell a story through an epic poem, and this is a classic. The use of language ("no veil was rent") and the weaving of backstory and forward-story into the perfectly paced stanzas shows talent as much as skill. (The one thing I might have adjusted was the title; why not use "Sev'rus Snape"?) Overall, great job!
Best Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: I was wary of this one at first, worrying that poetic license would be taken with the characters as well as the prompt. But a careful reading showed not only good turn of phrase and scan in the rhymes, but also a solid characterization of Snape and his life. Great use of the prompt, and beautiful poem.
Best Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Best Written Story Reason: I can see that this is how it happened in the book. All fame and feelings for gratefulness goes to Harry, Ron & Hermione, and Professor Snape will be soon forgotten.. The wizarding world of the cannon is not very forgiving, especially not towards Slytherins. Especially not to such unattractive (physical and psychical) characters as Severus Snape. For him being dead might really be the best thing, and that's something very appalling to say.
It's also a well written poem and makes me want to go and tend to his grave.
Least Well Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Least Well Written Story Reason: I think this story was the least well written because the poetic form was distancing. As a character study the piece works nicely, but it lacked the all the elements of a story.
Least Well Written Story Title: The Unmourned Passing of Severus Snape
Least Well Written Story Reason: Some canon facts are off and as it's not established that it is an au, hard for me to excuse it. interesting format even if I personally don't like it.
I don't usually respond to these anonymous feedbacks because, well, first they've always been positive, so all there really is to say is 'Thank you', but secondly because they're anonymous so I don't think it's entirely fair to the critiquer for me to pick them apart here. But anyway, the first criticism is the one I can live with, that they didn't feel that this was really a 'story' and found it difficult to relate to the meter, stanzas, whatever. That was the risk I took in going in this direction this time.
But the other negative critique? That some canon facts are off? Whut? Like... that Snape died? All the rest is neither canon nor AU, but an educated guess or surmise as to how things would have played out after the end of DH. So, this isn't established as an AU because it isn't. I don't know what other canon they are talking about.
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no subject
Date: 2010-11-04 03:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-04 03:07 pm (UTC)But thanks for the vote of confidence. I was happy with it which is the most important thing, and it didn't get me kicked out of the challenge, so I shouldn't complain. :D